Grief

I realized death is really just around the corner, but I never really thought it would be that fast.

My brother was admitted to the hospital on Thursday night, 6th February 2020, it was for surgery to remove an abscess on his back. His condition worsened when I got there on Friday. We moved him to the ICU on Friday night, hoping he might get better. He didn't. His heart gave out by Saturday morning, around 9-10 am.

It all happened so fast, it was like death ambushed us. None of us saw it coming. The inevitability is more real than ever before in my life.

And since my brother's untimely death, I have had trouble sleeping whenever I stay up way past bedtime. My heart will start racing, my chest hurt, and I'm scared to close my eyes because I'm afraid I will die in my sleep like my brother did. Not only do I have trouble sleeping, sometimes I choked in my sleep it woke me up. I was gasping for air like crazy, I thought I was going to die because of the suffocation.

This fear of death is not the first time. I have had this fear since I worked in the Philippines. Because I had the night shift and wasn't used to the night schedule, I forced my body to adjust by drinking Dramamine. I drank this whenever it was my day off, and I had to work the next day. I drank this quite a lot, so I was terrified that it might kill me in my sleep.

But the death of my brother amplified this fear. This also expanded to a fear of the sudden death of another loved one. I know we all have this fear, but I feel like it's not on a normal level for me.

Whenever my mother or my boyfriend went home late, even just ten minutes, I immediately texted or called them because I started getting worried something might happen to them. My mind started playing all these horrifying scenarios, like, what if that was the last conversation I will ever have with them? What if they got into an accident, and it took their lives? What am I gonna do if it happens?

Sometimes it got so bad, I started crying because I was so terrified and overwhelmed.

I never thought the grief would affect me this much, even after almost two years of his death. Not only did it shatter my world, but it also developed and amplified my fear, sometimes to the point where I'm no longer believe I will ever get out of this fear.