Jarak

Jarak adalah batas

Garis imajiner yang terus melintang

Menahanku di belakang garis

Tembok tinggi yang memenjarakan angan

Kilometer pencetus kata rindu

On Becoming 26 (eeeekk I'm old!)

Whoa...

I can't believe I've survived all the bad days that happened throughout the year. I once said that "a lot of things can happen within a year", and it did.⁣⁣⁣ I thought nothing spectacular or even surprising will happen. At least I can breathe a sigh of relief or just take a break from all the dark days last year, but boy I was dead wrong.

⁣⁣⁣

Perjalanan Terjauh

Mungkin masih ada tanda tanya yang menyelubungi lingkaran yang tak kunjung usai ini pada mereka-mereka yang kerap menebak-nebak, mengapa butuh waktu hingga sekian tahun untuk benar-benar usai? Mungkin begitu pikir mereka, dan tentunya pikirmu.

Mengutip kalimat dari sebuah film atau bisa jadi sebuah lagu yang aku tak tahu judulnya, yang hanya sekilas melihat potongan gambarnya saja, jawabannya adalah,

"Just for a second there I was hoping to see a glimpse of remorse in his eyes, but I got nothing, not even the tiniest twinge of guilt for what he had done."

- he acted like nothing ever happened like he always does.

"Am I good enough? Will I ever be good enough?"

- a question I never want to ask but keeps wondering around in my head.

The lowest

This might be my lowest point ever because no matter how many things I throw myself into just to keep me distracted, they don't seem to fill the void that is probably gonna linger for a long time. Because as soon as I entered my room, it's all coming back to punch me in the face. And to whom I can run to now? To whose shoulders I can rest my head on? You've gone, forever.

Now here I am, still alive but dead inside. I don't know what else to do.

Teruntuk jiwa yang kesepian

Waktu bukanlah teman baik bagi yang kesepian. Ia merentang sejauh jarak rindu pada empunya yang pergi entah ke mana. Membuat segala-galanya terasa begitu lambat, ibarat antrian panjang di kasir yang tak kunjung usai.

Afloat

Ibarat pecandu nikotin, sebegitu butuhnya gue akan distraksi belakangan ini. Gue biarkan diri gue tenggelam di tumpukan kerjaan kantor, bahkan dengan senang hatinya lembur di kantor, pergi keluar ke mana pun yang bahkan kadang ngga ada tujuannya sama sekali, atau mengiyakan ajakan teman yang minta ditemani ke suatu tempat tanpa pikir panjang.

jalan terus saja
yang kamu cari ada di depan sana
langitkan selalu semua doa
semoga akhirnya akan bahagia

Saturday, 17th August 2019

the void

It hurts.

But knowing the room is back to empty, there's no more story to be told, everything must switch back to the way before anything ever happened, there is just... no more, they triple the pain.

The void it left behind is excruciating.

self-centered

Mungkin kamu terlalu cinta dengan dirimu sendiri, sampai lupa bagaimana mencintai orang lain yang bukan dirimu. Tidak tahu apa-apa soal timbal balik, yang penting semua perhatian tercurah padamu, perihal pihak lain merasa diacuhkan rasanya pun kamu takkan pernah sadar. Kamu sebegitu tidak pedulinya sampai remah roti yang bertebaran di mana-mana tak pula dihiraukan.

Hebat.

Ada Cerita Apa Hari Ini?

Gimana hari ini di kantor? Ada cerita apa?

Hehehe ngga apa-apa, aku lagi kepengen ngobrol aja karena sepertinya kita sudah jarang ngobrol panjang lebar (gara-gara akunya pulang telat terus).

I hope it's enough.

There was not much I can do since it was not my place anymore, and I don't want to step out of line, or causing an unnecessary drama. But to be honest, it broke my heart to pieces seeing someone I know very well who's always been strong, shattered before my own eyes.

this is all I have for now.

I get to this age where my friends are off to their marriages one by one. And I get that question a lot, when will I get married too like them? To be honest, I still don't know whether I want to get married or not. It's still a question I am struggling to answer.

Your past does not define you

It's never been easy to accept someone's past, no matter how messed up it was. And finding that person who would wholeheartedly accept your every being, past, present, and who could you become, to really accept it without having to bring it up on every argument, is just as difficult as letting go of the past itself. Even to accept your own past, sometimes you need to break your back, let alone someone else's.

The past is always going to be a chapter in your life that you could never get rid of. There's always going to be complexity, catastrophic events, joyful moments in those chapters of your life, but then, it doesn't mean it can define your whole existence as a human. Your past does not define you.

they say it's take and give.
but if you keep taking and taking
without giving anything,
and you keep on taking from me
until there's nothing left
what's there for me then?

enggan beranjak
namun tak ada lagi tempat untuk berpijak
lantas hati terlanjur terkoyak
kau yang menyerah pada ombak
sedang aku yang berjuang untuk terus tegak
kita kalah bertarung melawan jarak

bukan, bukan kita
kau.

The scariest part about falling in love is when you permit someone to enter your life. They can see all there is, in all shapes and all forms. When you let someone in, you have to be ready with the consequences as well, they can walk out anytime, and you can't do anything about it. Even the part of letting someone in is already terrifying enough, let alone watching them walk out.

Harusnya jangan kau injak pelan-pelan,
Gilas saja langsung sekalian.

"Memang ngga bisa dibanding-bandingkan, karena setiap perpisahan itu menyakitkan untuk semua orang bagaimana pun bentuknya."

- perpisahan memiliki sakitnya masing-masing

Would you listen?

We all have problems, no matter how old or young we are, there's always a problem. Sometimes, these problems are piling up like dirty laundry in a rainy season. It gets so high over time, and it starts to get heavier.

People have a different take on coping with it. We are different from one another after all. Let's say there's one person who decides to tell their problems to someone, just to lessen the burden they've been feeling. Someone who can listen.

One last time

Kemarin gue ke Bekasi ngambil undangan nikahannya sahabat gue si Juni. Ada beberapa teman SMA gue yang lain juga yang ikut ambil undangannya. Kita ngobrol-ngobrol, kebanyakan sih ngeledekin Juni karena sudah mau nikah sebentar lagi. 

Lingkaran Penjara

Berpindah dari satu lubang ke lubang lainnya
Hanya untuk terpuruk dengan pola yg terus berulang
Meremukkan tulang-tulang
Membakar hangus sisa-sisa asa yg dimakan usia

aku lelah

Aku lelah,
Tolong tandu tubuhku
Bawa ke atas bukit
Atau baringkan sajalah
Di bawah pohon
Atau di atas ranjang

Aku lelah,
Tolong.

1st February 2019

Candu

Aku bukan seorang perokok, mencobanya barang sekali pun tidak pernah, tapi aku mengerti seperti apa candunya. Membutuhkannya seperti membutuhkan oksigen atau air. Yang pelan-pelan dan dalam diam menggerogoti organ dalam tubuhmu. Yang membuatmu bisa berpikir jernih sekaligus memompa racun untuk bersarang di tubuhmu.

Di depan pintu stasiun

Menit demi menit roda motornya menggilas jalanan ibu kota, menit-menit yang kami berdua kutuki diam-diam karena membawa kami semakin dekat dengan waktu untuk kembali berpisah, pasrah mempersilakan jarak untuk kembali ada di tengah-tengah.

Terima kasih sudah mengajak saya

Terima kasih sudah mengajak saya untuk masuk melihat dunia kamu.

Sekarang saya tahu gimana kening kamu berkerut menatap layar komputer saking fokusnya, ketika kamu lupa akan sekitar demi hasil video yang memuaskan, dan gimana usahamu meracik puluhan video untuk dikemas jadi satu.

Hours Away

So this is it... the day that I wish wouldn’t have to come, now is just hours away. 

Barusan habis ketemu Fikri, makan malam, menunya ketoprak pinggir jalan di dekat SMA dulu. Ngobrol-ngobrol kayak biasanya, ketawa-tawa kayak biasanya. Padahal kemarin gue sudah menyusun apa-apa aja yang mau gue bicarakan sama dia, tapi seperti biasanya kalau sudah ketemu dia, buyar semua. Mungkin karena terbawa suasana juga, gue jadi lupa, lupa kalau besok gue harus pindah dari kota ini. Mungkin di situ gue lupa kalau nantinya akan ada kilometer yang berdiri di tengah-tengah. Atau mungkin gue sengaja lupa supaya gue ngga perlu ingat kalau besok gue pindahan.