Once upon a long and dull night shift

Once upon a long and dull night shift. The sound of slamming keyboard and mouse clicking richocet on this 3x6 meter room. And this is how I broke the silence on that night.

"Andy, why are you single?" I asked my friend while he was sticking his eyes to the monitor and his fingers dancing on the keyboard.

This would probably the most unimportant question I have ever asked him among other unimportant questions. And most importantly, this is the kind of question I should've asked myself, not to other people.

He turned his chair to me, "Because I love myself." He said.

"Huh?"

He shrugged his shoulders, he always does that "Because I love myself more. I'm afraid to lose myself again, so that's why now I love myself more."

"But you had a girlfriend before, right?" there, I blurted out the question that me and my other teammates have been wondering about. You know what, we shouldn't be wondering about someone's sexuality, whether he's straight or gay, it's none of our business. I felt terrible after, asking him such thing.

He nodded, "Before yeah."

"Owowowww what happened?" and I sounded like a person who get really excited when they got something to gossip about. Ugh. Awful.

"Well you know, I gave her everything, but it didn't work out." He said. He had that kind of look when someone asking you something that you have to dig up your past scars to answer them. Even the sound of his voice slightly changed. Or maybe I was just imagining things.

"Oh my God, did she dump you? Did she cheated on you?" I asked him again. Now I sounded like an insensitive person, yet suddenly my curiosity radar turned up to level 3. It's not good to get all curious over someone's personal life. Ugh, what have I become?

He took a fast inhale, "I've been with her since 2005 until 2012..."

"Woah 7 years!" I cut him off before he finished talking, because knowing that you can be in that one long relationship with someone. Don't ask me, I never even passed one year. But again, another proof that no matter how long you've been with someone, when it doesn't meant to be, it doesn't meant to be.

He continued, "Yeah, and I gave her everything, all, and it took me two years to got myself back from that.". He exhaled, his eyes kind of wandered to when it was happened. Or maybe not, maybe he was just looking at the ceiling out of reason.

"Oh my God, two years?" I was a bit taken aback by his answer. Two years to heal himself from all that. I felt like I was looking at myself now. It must be really hard for him to get everything back to normal after a huge downfall like that. I know how it feels.

"Yeah two years, because she said it's done, like done." He said again.

"Like everything you gave is not enough anymore? Oh Andy Boy..." I looked at him. Dang, it sucks when someone just ended the relationship like everything is nothing.

He smiled and turned his chair back around to face his desktop, "So I have to let her go, so she can be happy. It's easy to fall in love Icha, the hardest part is along the way, how to maintain it. I mean if you love someone and they're not happy anymore, let them go, let them be happy."

I was literally stunned when he said that. I can felt the sincerity when he said that he let her go so she can be happy. I truly felt that. I know how hard it can be to let someone go so they can be happy, with whoever they're with.

He turned his chair to me one more time, he said "If they can't love you, it's not your fault, it's their choice. In that two years, it taught me how to love myself more Icha. So now, I love myself more.". Then he spun his chair back facing his desktop. His fingers dancing again on the keyboard.

I turned my chair too. But I cannot focus anymore on those reports I had to finished by 5 am, his words were still echoing in my mind. I was captivated by the way it truly showed me the real proof of unselfishness when you really love someone even when it means that you have to let them go. And how loving yourself is more important than keep walking on that relationship with someone who doesn't even love you anymore.