Crossroad

The first thing I ran after when I went through a breakup was a distraction, since everything that came after the breakup was only a lingering emptiness.

The room was back to empty, there was no more story to be told, everything must switch back to the way before anything ever happened, and there was just no more. The void it left behind was excruciating. That was when distractions played an important part in becoming my coping mechanism, and when I got sloppy with it.

This might be one of the hardest to write

Prolog

Sekadar ingin menuliskan keluh kesah, juga segala penat dan lelah.

...

Saya kira 2019 sudah jadi tahun yang paling berat yang saya lalui, walaupun saya juga tahu sih ke depannya tentunya akan jauh lebih berat, tapi saya ngga nyangka kalau akan seberat ini. Ibarat kayak main game. Saya masih di level beginner tapi rintangannya serasa di level expert. Saya kalut, ngga tahu gimana caranya menghadapi semua ini sendirian. 

Copy that

Okay, I've been on Blogspot since 2011 and I know people usually visit my blog to copy some articles (that I also copied, with credit, of course), for their college assignment, and I am totally fine with that.

However, 10 minutes ago, I was just finished changing my blog address to the old ones, and I searched my blog title in Google to see what kind of result would come up. Then, on the third or fourth page, I saw my blog title but in WordPress. 

Quick note you guys

On a quick and unimportant note:

I changed the address of this blog a while ago out of sheer boredom (the new address was a little bit pretentious tbh), but now I'm changing it back to the old ones just because there are so many digital footprints of the old address scattered in search engines. And I think you guys (whoever you are) are more familiar with the old address, so it'll be easy to find me now.

I suppose that would be all. 

If you are hoping to find a new post to read, well, sorry to disappoint. 

Bad News

Rasanya ngga peduli sudah seberapa sering mempersiapkan diri untuk segala kemungkinan terburuk, begitu dihadapkan pada kenyataannya ya tetap saja ngedown. Mungkin karena dibalik persiapan-persiapan matang itu tanpa sadar masih ada setitik kecil harapan kalau nantinya kemungkinan-kemungkinan buruk itu tidak akan terjadi, makanya persiapan sudah sedemikian rupa tapi masih aja tetap down begitu dengar kabar buruknya.

Lagipula, siapa sih yg siap mendengar berita buruk?

No Eid's Picture This Year

This year's Eid is different than the rest of Eid I had.

First of all, we have Covid-19 which is suck and scares the hell out of people (the smart ones at least), we can't go anywhere because the virus is easily spread and it is deadly, thus no family gathering as well. The second, it was the first Eid my mother and I had to go through without my brother. It felt weird not having him here celebrating Eid with us. The house felt a lot more empty than it was before.

Well, fingers crossed

I guess the reason why I've been hesitating to write about us, the story and every little thing like I used to, is because I don't want to add another name in here if it's only going to waste just like other names before him and end up adding another number to the long list of a failed relationship. 

"This distance is the war, so let's fight it together."

- us against the odds.

Surprise Me!

“Ya ampun...”

Kata saya terkejut sambil mengubah posisi badan, dari rebahan (seperti yg biasa saya lakukan) menjadi duduk karena baru menyadari satu (atau beberapa) hal. Seperti ada yg menyalakan lampu di dalam otak saya, semua menjadi sejelas titik noda hitam di atas kertas putih.

I am still processing this. Even after more than thirty days, I still can't grasp the idea that my brother isn't here anymore. He wasn't always home, and we weren't always talking to each other, but still, not seeing him anymore is just...

Sometimes I feel all of this is just too much for me to handle.