On Becoming 26 (eeeekk I'm old!)

Whoa...

I can't believe I've survived all the bad days that happened throughout the year. I once said that "a lot of things can happen within a year", and it did.⁣⁣⁣ I thought nothing spectacular or even surprising will happen. At least I can breathe a sigh of relief or just take a break from all the dark days last year, but boy I was dead wrong.

⁣⁣⁣

Perjalanan Terjauh

Mungkin masih ada tanda tanya yang menyelubungi lingkaran yang tak kunjung usai ini pada mereka-mereka yang kerap menebak-nebak, mengapa butuh waktu hingga sekian tahun untuk benar-benar usai? Mungkin begitu pikir mereka, dan tentunya pikirmu.

Mengutip kalimat dari sebuah film atau bisa jadi sebuah lagu yang aku tak tahu judulnya, yang hanya sekilas melihat potongan gambarnya saja, jawabannya adalah,

"Just for a second there I was hoping to see a glimpse of remorse in his eyes, but I got nothing, not even the tiniest twinge of guilt for what he had done."

- he acted like nothing ever happened like he always does.

"Am I good enough? Will I ever be good enough?"

- a question I never want to ask but keeps wondering around in my head.

The lowest

This might be my lowest point ever because no matter how many things I throw myself into just to keep me distracted, they don't seem to fill the void that is probably gonna linger for a long time. Because as soon as I entered my room, it's all coming back to punch me in the face. And to whom I can run to now? To whose shoulders I can rest my head on? You've gone, forever.

Now here I am, still alive but dead inside. I don't know what else to do.

Teruntuk jiwa yang kesepian

Waktu bukanlah teman baik bagi yang kesepian. Ia merentang sejauh jarak rindu pada empunya yang pergi entah ke mana. Membuat segala-galanya terasa begitu lambat, ibarat antrian panjang di kasir yang tak kunjung usai.

Afloat

Ibarat pecandu nikotin, sebegitu butuhnya gue akan distraksi belakangan ini. Gue biarkan diri gue tenggelam di tumpukan kerjaan kantor, bahkan dengan senang hatinya lembur di kantor, pergi keluar ke mana pun yang bahkan kadang ngga ada tujuannya sama sekali, atau mengiyakan ajakan teman yang minta ditemani ke suatu tempat tanpa pikir panjang.

jalan terus saja
yang kamu cari ada di depan sana
langitkan selalu semua doa
semoga akhirnya akan bahagia

Saturday, 17th August 2019

the void

It hurts.

But knowing the room is back to empty, there's no more story to be told, everything must switch back to the way before anything ever happened, there is just... no more, they triple the pain.

The void it left behind is excruciating.

self-centered

Mungkin kamu terlalu cinta dengan dirimu sendiri, sampai lupa bagaimana mencintai orang lain yang bukan dirimu. Tidak tahu apa-apa soal timbal balik, yang penting semua perhatian tercurah padamu, perihal pihak lain merasa diacuhkan rasanya pun kamu takkan pernah sadar. Kamu sebegitu tidak pedulinya sampai remah roti yang bertebaran di mana-mana tak pula dihiraukan.

Hebat.