Flickered

Those are the same hands
that threw the door open,
led me into the greener parts of your heart.

But lately, the door won’t open.

First Timers

Our lives are a series of first times.

We encounter new things every day. I suppose that's what makes life difficult: we're expected to know everything when, in truth, most of the time, we don't know what we're doing or where we're supposed to go.

And perhaps that's what we do to our parents, too.

Aku juga ingin dirayakan

Aku juga ingin dirayakan

Semua halnya
Setiap sentinya

Meriah dengan kembang api
Pakai bunga warna-warni

Aku juga ingin dirayakan
Bukan sekadar kata hampa makna
Atau senyum yang terpaksa

Apakah berlebihan
Jika aku juga ingin dirayakan?

Stagnation

Lately, I’ve had a strange feeling, like I’m being quietly sidelined in a place where I thought I would grow.

It didn’t show up all at once. At first, it was just a passing thought, something easy to brush off as overthinking. But when a feeling lingers long enough, it starts asking to be acknowledged.

Before the Year Ends

Whew… what a year, huh?

I think most of us would agree that 2025 was not our year. It felt like every time we took a step forward, we ended up facing detours rather than finding open doors. Dead ends.

We all had it. We’ve all been through it.

And we carried it quietly and painfully.

The weight of modern days

Does life always have to be this complicated? Didn’t we once live a much simpler life?

Everything feels just so intricate these days. 

Hollow

Have you ever felt like you're supposed to go somewhere, but you don't know where "that place" is? You just know you have to walk there. Wherever "there" is.

That's how I've felt for the past few years.

I'm angry, and you should too

Part 1

Hari-hari ada aja kelakuan bodoh pemerintah yang bikin mulut gue pengen ngehujat.

Nggak cuma kelakuan, omongan pemerintah makin hari makin ngawur. Jadi kayak orang asbun yang dikasih jabatan. Dan ternyata benar kan, jabatan-jabatan itu ternyata juga “dikasih” tanpa melihat kredibilitasnya si orang-orang yang dikasih ini. 

The Final Surrender

I suppose this is the final act, where truth reaches its brutal climax: this game is no longer fair. They broke every rule in the book, fed it to the fire, and danced around the flames, unscathed and shameless.

There's no point in trying to outmaneuver a game that has already been rigged. It's like trying to put spilled toothpaste back in the tube. Useless and humiliating.

Games you can't win

There are some games you were not meant to win.

You give your all, but still, the finish line keeps moving farther. It's always dead end after dead end. It's not fun anymore — just a grueling, rough sea you're forced to swim through, chasing a trophy that keeps drifting further away.

The cost of choices

"Every action bears consequences"

I thought everyone knew that.

You ate a rotten fruit, and you got sick.

You ignored your homework assignment, and you got a penalty from your teacher.

You became reckless with your health—hello, hospitals.

You cheat on your partner, and no one trusts you anymore; now, you're branded a serial cheater. 

Bang! Pow! Boom! Blam!

Tahun 2025 baru berjalan sampai di kuartal 2, tapi saya ngerasa banyak banget drama di hidup saya dari awal tahun. Dan untuk seseorang yang paling males drama-dramaan, tahun ini malah dikasih drama yang DAR DER DOR DUAR. Jujur, energi saya juga jadi terkuras karenanya, saya juga jadi sering nangis, baik itu di rumah maupun di kantor. Saya yakin beberapa dari kita pasti pernah merasakan nangis di kamar mandi kantor, dan kayaknya pada akhirnya memang kita akan merasakan fase nangis di kamar mandi kantor.

The Day I Stopped Giving Too Much

Some people just don’t deserve you. And sometimes, you don’t realize that until you’ve given too much, be it your attention, your time, or your energy, to people who never truly saw you.

It’s a sign for you to stop giving that much. Because I’ve been in that position and I know the pain.

Cosmos

I stumbled upon this picture on Twitter.

James Webb's deep space image

It looks ordinary, just like the other outer space picture. But if you zoom in and see those tiny dots here and there, they are galaxies—lots of them. And I started muttering while looking at the picture, "We can't be the only one in the universe—we just can't!"

Rewind the clock

"What do you want your mother to do if you could turn back time?"

I want my mother to find a better man than my father.

She has many dreams, places to go, and things to do, which all go to waste because she married my dad. She could've been this astonishing and marvellous woman surrounded by all the world's most beautiful things. She could've travelled to the other side of the earth and seen the beauty of nature. She could've enjoyed her life. She could've been happier.

Age up, face up, you got this!

Holy shit, we are reaching a new height; I'm officially turning 31 today. Yikes. 

I can't believe we are in this chapter already. Time does not want to slow down, not even a bit. Oh God, wow... I age up. It doesn't feel like it, though. I don't feel it in myself that I'm in my 30s, do you know what I mean? The essence of it is just nonexistence. My whole being is refusing that I am getting old.

Hmpfh...

"Mungkin emang harusnya dirayain aja semua kehilangan, tanda tanya, rindu, dan segala macam bentuk jalan buntu."

- Semua aku rayakan.

4 Januari 2020

Belly up

Sejauh rentang dekapmu, sejauh itu pula kudorong segenap hati ini makin dekat ke tepi. Berlomba adu pandang dengan jurang di bawah sana. Ramah genggam tanganmu menggoda dinding angkuhku untuk luruh tak bersisa, tameng terakhirku untuk menahan seutas kalimat yang sudah menggantung di ujung lidah. 

Lalu kau bawa kedua bibir itu untuk bertamu dalam sebuah kecup. Aku mengedip, dan jatuh sebebas-bebasnya.

30 Maret 2021.

Lima puluh ribu.

Kemarin (19 Februari 2022) gue diajak ngopi bareng pacar dan salah satu temannya di daerah Rawamangun. Awal obrolan banyak tentang startup, lengkap dengan istilah-istilah familiarnya: venture capital, seed funding, fintech, angel investor, dll. Untungnya gue masih sering baca-baca berita dan ngga asing dengan istilah-istilah ataupun obrolan mereka, jadi masih bisa ikut ngobrol. Dari startup, sampai obrolan tentang dunia parfum. Minuman juga sudah habis, akhirnya kita pesan minum lagi.

Lalu obrolan kita berlanjut ke topik yang lebih personal, atau istilahnya "curhat".

Keep Walking

We often walked in the uncharted path. Unknowingly wandered into an uncertain future where thousands of outcomes may occur. It’s frightening, and yet, we keep on walking anyway.

Perhaps the thought of stopping altogether is scarier, and we might gradually cease to exist if we stop walking. But then, there are too many intersections. How do we know which one to choose? How do we know which track will not lead us to the bottomless pit of dark abyss?

Thus, we keep marching towards the foreign land with uneasiness clung tightly on our shoulders, hoping we might find the answer ahead.