"I did my best, yet it's still not enough."

- ...

Grief

I realized death is really just around the corner, but I never really thought it would be that fast.

My brother was admitted to the hospital on Thursday night, 6th February 2020, it was for surgery to remove an abscess on his back. His condition worsened when I got there on Friday. We moved him to the ICU on Friday night, hoping he might get better. He didn't. His heart gave out by Saturday morning, around 9-10 am.

Happy, free, confused, and lonely at the same time

I turned 28 on the first day of November which happened on Monday. I dislike Monday a little bit less, only on that particular day. 

 

Not much happened. My boss has the same birth date as me, so they threw a birthday surprise for him, and I was just tagging along, lol. He brought us Mexican foods from Taco Bell, and good God, I think I shed a tear a little bit because I've been craving some Mexican food since last month.

 

One Opportunity

As you grow older, the expectations people have about you increase as well. It sucks, but somehow it's just how society is. For example, if you turn thirty, they expect you to be married, have a baby on the way, sitting in a managerial position at your work, and own a house. 

"Are you gonna get married?"

was the question I got yesterday from one of my colleagues back in the Philippines. Honestly, I used to be against marriage. I didn't want to get married because I always thought marriage was only destined to end in divorce. So what's the point of getting married if I will just end up getting a divorce in the end?

Broken Compass

It's like driving. 

The road starts to twist and turn, birthing intersection here and there. Streetlights are no use for guidance, they dim rapidly. And street signs are nowhere to be found. There's no map to help because it would be cheating, they said. So I just stop there at the red light, watching all the cars around me rushing past.

Time stood still

I thought there was something wrong with my ears when he said, "Let's end this.". But no, my ears were fine. Us, on the other hand, apparently were not.

"Some people are just born lucky they get through life comfortably, while the rest of us struggling to make it through the day. But hey, life is never fair."

- it sucks, but ya gotta suck it up either way.

Tamat.

teruntuk:

semua yang telah terucap
beberapa yang masih belum terungkap
pada segenap rindu yang belum bertemu
atas seluruh tawa dan air mata yang pernah bertamu

mungkin memang ceritanya
hanya bisa sampai di sini saja
indah untuk dibaca

22nd July 2017

Write about anything and every little thing

Write.

Write about anything and every little thing.

Write about the way light breaks through the trees. About cloudy nights in summer. Write about that coffee you drank this morning and how it reminded you of a deadline you have to finish tomorrow. Write about your pets. Write about how you feel about that movie you just watched and threw popcorn at. About a guitar you just bought.

The last we can do is hope.

Have you seen the news lately? It was anything but good news. The increased number of Covid-19 cases, hospitals running out of bed, and people dying. Although the number of vaccine services has increased as well, and more people got their doses, the bleakness of this global pandemic doesn't seem to lessen.

"Remot tv untuk dicari, aku untuk menemukanmu, kamu untuk mencintaiku."

- Ea.

Where do you see us in the next 5 years?

Malam di hari itu biasa saja, tidak ada yang istimewa. Banyak awan kelabu, dan hanya ada dua atau tiga bintang yang terlihat samar-samar karena polusi cahaya dari gedung-gedung jangkung khas ibu kota yang kelewat banyak. Jalanan di bawah sana sudah mereda, cuma segelintir kendaraan lalu-lalang ingin segera pulang. Sama saja seperti malam-malam sebelumnya.

Cracks on the floor

I suppose with every heartbreak, your heart crumbles into more pieces than the previous one and making it harder to put back together each time. I don't believe the wound will be healed completely. No, there'll be leftover cracks, especially for that devastated and torturous one. The one where you feel pain in every single place of your body. The one where those lonely nights were spent crying in agony. The suffocation feeling of being left alone that you have to endure yet again. The kind of heartbreak time could never mend. Eventually, your heart will have so many cracks all over it.

titik (.)

aku mencintaimu sampai titik

tanpa koma

tanpa tanda tanya

"Semoga dengan siapapun saya menikah nanti (dengan catatan saya akan menikah pada akhirnya), dia ngga akan terganggu dengan cekikian, jejeritan, dan celotehan saya ketika baca buku, sama seperti ngga terganggunya ketika dia dengar bunyi detik jarum jam."

 

- lebih asik lagi kalau saya bisa dapat bonus cium kening ketika lagi seru baca buku, tapi hal di atas sepertinya sudah cukup.

Sang Pemenang

Matahari sedikit lebih cepat pulang ke peraduannya, mungkin malu karena kamu bersinar terang sekali hari itu. Pepohonan di sekitar berdebar lantaran senyummu bertambah seribu kali lipat manisnya. Itu pohon-pohon, bayangkan menjadi aku. Sungguh Tuhan, pemandangan di depanku adalah mahakaryaMu yang tiada duanya. Berlebihan, tapi tak apa, kalau tentangmu tidak ada cukup yang benar-benar cukup.

???

What am I doing?
Do I have to figure everything out by now? 
Why can't I be like everybody else with their lives all planned out?
Am I just another fucked up lost cause?
Where do I want to go?
Would it be so terrible to head aimlessly for a while? 
Which way should I take?
What do I want to do with my life?

Untuk seorang yang berjuang setengah mati supaya tidak lagi menjadi pecandu, ternyata hanya butuh jalan temaram ramai kendaraan dan tanganmu yang tak hentinya kugenggam, untuk kembali menjadi salah satunya. Yang lalu jatuh tergelincir dengan sukarela dari ujung jari-jari tanganmu yang sibuk kukecup semalaman, menyisipkan deklarasi hati pada setiap kesempatannya.

Langit malam itu penuh sesak dengan doa diam-diam supaya selamanya bisa dimulai dari sekarang.

The Aftermath

The aftermath when two people who had promised to be with each other cannot work it out anymore could be horrid. Even if the parting is inevitable, and you saw that coming, knowing very well what would happen next, still, no one is truly ready for the heartbreak.

It throws you off from the course, your whole world trembling. You have to change everything because everything is not going to be the way it used to anymore. It could shatter you completely.

And so it is

Wow... ngga nyangka kalau 30 Days Writing Challengenya bisa selesai, walaupun ngga tepat waktu sih, tapi paling ngga sudah selesai. Rasanya gimana? I feel nothing actually. Ngga ada rasa senang, lega, bahagia, excited atau apapun. Entah, mungkin saat itu saya sedang merasa withdrawn juga jadinya saya ngga ada rasa yang gimana-gimana.